There are many options that come up when we think about the most romantic thing we can ever say to someone: Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; I know fairy tales come true because I have you; you’re the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on; I have never known love until I met you; I will love you forever.

But if we consider ‘romantic’ to be something that helps sustain and nurture love, then we may need to take a different approach to really honour the true meaning. We might say something like:

‘If you ever stop meeting my needs, I will not hesitate to leave you.’

It might sound harsh, demanding, or even selfish. There must be a mistake, this is far from what we imagine romantic to mean.

But, with a just few relationships/situations under our belt, we will know that with as much kindness as we can muster, this is exactly what we need to say. If we don’t want care, responsiveness, sweetness, in time, to give way to neglect, irritability, and unresponsiveness.

There exists a sad unspoken truth that other people treat us just as much as we believe we deserve to be treated.

If we signal that we will tolerate lack of effort, tolerate constant criticism, tolerate uncertainty disguised as mystery. This is exactly what we will end up dealing with. They will cancel plans at the smallest inconvenience; they will demean every action we take; they will refuse to label the relationship.

Despite evolution and all the technological strides we have made, the animal within us intuitively adjusts to the expectations placed upon it. We do just about as much as we are required to do. We’ll respond faster if responsiveness is insisted upon otherwise, we will be apathetic.

Lovers sense each other’s limit and will push forward up until they have reached them.

Those who dare set clear boundaries rarely get them crossed. As harsh as they might initially appear, it can be incredibly comforting to be with someone who promises to protect us against ourselves. To have them act as our compass, to guide us to a version of ourselves that we alone could not be.

Half of us come to know this truth from the start. The wisdom imparted to us from an early age. If they bother you, come and let me know; don’t let them touch your hair; tell them my dad doesn’t like when you do that. The ones who were protected very early on, become experts at protecting themselves.

The rest of us, the ones who spent their earliest moments dealing with bigger children disguised as parents, need to learn the lessons the hard way. From lovers who ghost us for weeks, then come back when they want a quick fix, or those who claim to love us but get angry when we kindly request for more time and attention.

The curse is that we must suffer twice, the first time in childhood, the second when we carry the learned expectations that we can tolerate mistreatment, into our adult relationships.

So, the next time a new love story unfolds, we must of course tell them that they are incomparably beautiful, that we adore their early morning voice, that we feel seen by them.

But we must also muster up all the courage that we can, and with very tender but confident voice say, ‘If you ever stop meeting my needs, I will not hesitate to leave you.’