So, I need to share something that made me do a double-take this week. I came across the chart above about what people consider “red flags” in dating, and honestly? It left me with SO many thoughts.

Looking at it, I realized how wildly different our “red flag” radars are, and how some of what people call dealbreakers might actually be… not that deep?

Given that we live in the age of TikTok relationship advice (the irony) where literally everything gets labeled a "red flag," I find that it has become more difficult to when a behaviour is A dealbreaker we shouldn’t ignore 🚩 Or an area of improvement 🌱

Red Flags vs. Growing Pains

What Are Red Flags?

The general consensus among relationship scientists is that red flags are persistent behaviours that scream basic incompatibility, unwillingness to change, or possible harm to your wellbeing. They are signals that you shouldn’t invest time in something that is doomed to fail.

Here’s a quick screening checklist:

  1. They repeat, and are not isolated incidents
  2. The person refuses to acknowledge their impact on you
  3. They increase rather than improve over time
  4. You feel unsafe, disrespected, or constantly anxious

What Are Growth Flags?

Growth areas, on the other are those annoying little habits that can actually improve with some awareness and effort. They represent opportunities for both people and the relationship to grow.

Here’s a quick screening checklist:

  1. Communication patterns that improve with practice
  2. Areas where they show genuine willingness to work
  3. Skills that can be learned for example active listening
  4. Habits that can be changed with commitment

Common Red Flags That Most People Miss

I feel like for the most part, it’s easier to identify a red flag if it’s value based. For example if your date makes a racist remark, you don’t need to checklist to know that you should run for the hills. But there are other red flags that are more lowkey, behaviours that aren’t as easy to identify even though most relationships end because of them. These are the ones that slowly chip away at your connection without you even realizing it's happening.

This is where the science gets really interesting. Relationship scientists found that they could predict with a 90% success rate, whether or not a relationship will last based on how many of the following behaviours are present within the relationship.

  1. Criticism that attacks your personality/character instead of identifying a specific behaviour that is causing concern
  2. Contempt in form insults, mockery, or hostile humour
  3. Defensiveness; instead of treating the complaint as reasonable and legit, they seek to protect themselves by making excuses for example
  4. Stonewalling; complete shut down such as the silent treatment

What’s key is though that behaviours have to be persistent and with partners showing zero interest in changing. For example If a partner gets defensive sometimes but come back later to talk it through? 🌱 . If they consistently shut down every difficult conversation? Houston, we have a problem! 🚩

How I Sort It Out Now

Before I decide whether or not to label a behaviour a red flag, I carefully consider the whole person and the situation. At times what might appear as emotional unavailability for example could be prolonged grief, or depression.

This isn’t to say you should ignore your needs or make excuses for genuinely problematic behaviour. But understanding context helps to respond with wisdom instead of just reacting to symptoms.

Here’s the little framework I use:

  1. Is it a pattern or a one-off aka context?
    Everyone gets defensive sometimes. It’s the pattern that matters.
  2. Do they take accountability?
    If they are open to feedback and growth, that’s not a red flag, it’s a growth area.
  3. Do I feel safe and valued overall?
    If the answer is no, that’s a sign to step back and re-evaluate.

When to Actually Walk Away

Occasionally some things ARE dealbreakers, and recognizing them isn't giving up. It's self-preservation.

Walk away when:

  • They consistently dismiss your feelings or concerns
  • They refuse to take responsibility for their actions, this signals emotional immaturity
  • You feel your general wellbeing declining over time
  • You set clear boundaries, and they consistently cross them
  • There’s any form of abuse (physical, emotional, financial)

Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is!

Not every relationship challenge is a red flag, the sweet spot is learning to tell the difference between an area of improvement and a signal to leave the relationship.