We often think about the success of our relationships in only two ways. Either a relationship ‘worked’ meaning we have stayed happy for long a time possibly till the end. Or it ‘failed’ meaning there was some kind of pain, and we more or less wasted our time.

This may be a far too limited and painful perspective.

What if we were to shift perspectives and consider not whether a relationship lasted but rather, how much were we able to learn about love, and our emotional needs as a result of an ending.

We could gain value not just from how long a bond lasted but also from what we were able learn along the way.

We might then say that behind every ‘failed’ relationship, there are lessons that could be found and carried forward. Instead of viewing a series failed relationships as a mess, we might come to view them as treasure chests filled with insights into the nature and purpose of love.

We could ask of past relationships: What did each teach me? And from this conceive a map of our entire romantic path:

Lessons from A.

• Never date anyone because you think you must.
• Get out as soon as you feel you have to; it is not kind to delay.
• Don’t help anyone too much

Lessons from K.

• Stay vigilant, trust doesn’t mean becoming naive.
• Make sure their family is okay with someone that looks like you.
• Good sex really matters.

Lessons from L.

• First impressions tell most of the story
• Make sure their family is okay with someone that looks like you.
• Be careful of people who hide behind politeness.
• Don’t always take silence as a sign of happiness.
• Someone can be quite intelligent yet emotionally dull.
• Guard your heart!
• Think abundantly, there’s always other people.
• NEVER BEG! Ask a maximum of three times, then leave.
• Desperation leads to terrible choices.
• Forgive yourself for making every mistake in the book.

Lessons from E.

• Beware of mental issues, the most seemingly normal person might withdraw because of deeply embedded psych issues.
• Tell them explicitly what you can tolerate and mean it.
• You deserve consistent kindness and warmth.
• Be ready to walk away at any time.

Lessons from Dating:

• Never persuade anyone.
• Don’t put up with anyone who isn’t really interested.
• You should be polite and classy when exiting a relationship.
• Lack of confidence from childhood goes a long way.
• Know when you are no longer wanted, then leave.

When we are sat in the closet sobbing, mourning the ‘failure’ of yet another relationship, we should pause and gently ask ourselves: What can I learn here? What does the end of this bond have to teach me?

The breakup is a lesson in disguise.

Maybe, upon assessment, there is a lesson on the attachment wounds we haven’t healed. Maybe we need to learn to prioritize sex a bit more. Maybe we must go back and relearn a lesson about our worth.

We might then say that the most heartbreaking breakups, are filled with the most lessons to learn.

In the words of Rumi, ‘The wound is the place where the Light enters you.’

The end of the relationship shouldn’t be viewed as a failure. It is an experience that creates an opening for growth and wisdom.

A good lover is then not someone who despite the odds discovers their soulmate but rather someone who, despite a great deal of pain, never stops learning about the intricacies of love.

So the next time we find ourselves here, we don’t need to curse our bad luck, we can think of this end as a few more lessons to learn before we can find finally peace.