We often tell ourselves a comforting story about love: that it blooms naturally between compatible souls, that it arrives unprompted, certainly when we aren’t looking for it, that it is fundamentally organic and beyond our control, a force of nature that simply happens to us.

We believe that the authenticity of love lies in its spontaneity, in those moments when connection emerges without planning, unfolding on its own timeline, when chemistry ignites without trying, when two people simply “click” in ways that feel destined rather than designed.

So there is something eery in the idea that there can be a path one can take to make someone fall in love with another. It threatens what should be an organic experience into something we can simply manufacture by following a series of steps.

And yet, if we were to carefully observe and analyze the initial stages of attraction, if we were to sit on in that romantic dinner at that chic restaurant across town, if we were to listen in on late night phone conversations, picnics and hikes, we can almost be certain that three qualities essential to the birth of love will be present:

Attraction comes from wanting to know more. To have a constant desire for questions, not just any random questions, but those that aim to unveil someone: What experiences shaped who they are, what do they desire the most, what future do they envision and why?

To bring about love we must be curious first.

The curiosity that counts must be quiet, subtle, and reserved. It must also be attuned to pain. In the presence of someone who’s interested in getting to really know us, we would hear: ‘I think what I’m hearing is that you haven’t had…’ or ‘I wonder if it was sad knowing that you had to be in such an environment where…’ or ‘I imagine it must have been difficult experiencing such a loss at a young age…’

Nothing will be forced, but space will be created for us to deepen our reflection. Most of the time we will be unaware that we are being questioned, we will just feel like we have a lot to say.

In a world that urges us to smile, that constantly requires us to mask our pain, that threatens to forget us the moment we become irrelevant.

What truly creates intimacy is being in the presence of someone who not only knows about our suffering but can also tolerate it.

The curious lover, one that charms us, is someone with the promise that they aren’t just interested in what’s going right, they want to know all of us. They ask about our father who was never truly there for us, our mother who though loving, was distant and aloof to our needs.

We often think of the beginning of romance with the first kiss, or the first ‘I love you’. But true romance begins somewhere less conspicuous, somewhere far less ‘romantic’ and far less movie worthy: with the feeling of being known.

And yet, with being known comes the fear that we will be judged.

To overcome this fear, the lovers that excite us, are the ones that subtly let us know that they can tolerate a great deal of our weirdness.

To bring about love we must also be open-minded.

The open-mindedness that wins us over isn’t that from speeches, there’s no need for ‘I accept you and don’t judge you for your flaws!’ but rather, the open-minded lover, makes their case through their actions. ‘I used to wet my bed up until age 11’, or ‘Why should people care about what type of relationship they are really into.’

From this we can sense that around this person we could reveal a lot about ourselves without masking. We can admit that we are feeling needy, we can say that x bothers, we can say that thing y turns us on, and everything would be fine.

And in their company, we take off the masks, unwind, and relax into a childlike state of freedom.

And finally, to bring about love we must also and most importantly be kind.

There are many reasons as to why we need kindness: we hate how lazy we are we, why are we so weak, why don’t we do the thing that we said we would do, why are we procrastinating yet again on writing our newsletters, we are such failures.

We need to be in the presence of someone kind because deep down we are in need of a more therapeutic view.

We put a lot of thought into what our ideal lovers might be: attractive, rich, humorous etc. And although those are good qualities, if we are to find a love that will sustain us from outer and inner adversities, it has to be one that is founded on curiosity, open-mindedness and kindness.